just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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