I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
