Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
