I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
porn star boner night. come get it.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
