if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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