omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
