I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
