where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
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they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
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