dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Randomize
