I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
