Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
