you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
