So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
