My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
