Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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