dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
