Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
