Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
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