I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
they're like a gay fantastic four
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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