I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
