my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I puked a lego.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
