I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
