Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
