You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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