he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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