I think scott just propositioned me for sex
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
