So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
