So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Sponge bath it is.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
