God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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