I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
