we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
