Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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