I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
she told me i tasted like america
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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