Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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