meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
