I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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