a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
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