Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
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Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
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Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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