Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
