his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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