Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Randomize
