you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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