i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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