i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
