my soul wont recognize me after tonight
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
