my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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