No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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