I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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