last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Randomize
