Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
