Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You ate ashes out of my bong
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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