So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
