So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
