Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
