my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
