What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
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I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
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The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.