im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
