is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
i drank out of a bidet.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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