I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
