Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
