I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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